Birthday, Belief, and Faith

Belief: A mental construct or conclusion on reality

Faith: The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen

My 28^th birthday was on Sunday and it felt like I hit bottom on a two-week slide of self-loathing.  Here’s the day everyone wants to sing songs to me, look me in the eye and give encouraging words, wish me blessings on the upcoming year, and I want to get away to avoid the healing pain of reality.   It’s hard to hear a bunch of loving words that you don’t agree with.  I’m thinking either these people have no idea who I am OR more likely, I have no idea who I am.

There are holes in my faith that have been drilled with diamond tipped false-beliefs and it became obvious when my brother Jesse spoke truth to me and I didn’t believe what he was saying but I had faith that he was speaking truth.  I didn’t believe I could handle being celebrated on Sunday… (in faith) I showed up to our gathering called the Bridge, two after parties, and later went to work.  The outcome was I made it though and I’m sitting in front of a drawing board of identity squinting to see the lines.  Jesus tells us to seek first the kingdom of righteousness – he also says we will move mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed.  How’s it going?

That’s a question I’ve dreaded answering lately is “How’s it going?”  I’d rather not bring people down, so I have practiced padded answers that divert the focus of the conversation to something/someone else, benefiting nobody.  There is a prophetess in our community that I unsuccessfully tried to avoid on Sunday because I knew that she could look deep into my soul, listen beyond my padded answer, and crush my heart with truth that I both crave and fear.  Deborah grabs my arm and asks, “How’s it going?”  I give her a padded “OK” (instantly felt like my cover was blown) – and the truth finally comes out, “I’m really uncomfortable with the confusion in my life right now.”  …you have no idea how good it felt to say this out loud to another person!  With a smile she says, “Good, this is good for you right now.”  I take a breath and let the message sink in – one false belief I harbored was that my confusion is a bad thing.

If you’re lost, isn’t it better to know you’re lost rather than stumble blindly deeper into darkness?  Isn’t it better to admit being confused and open to direction?  The man who doesn’t believe he’s sick will refuse a visit to the doctor.

We need people in our lives to speak truth to us when we believe the lies.  We need faith in order to receive their words (despite whether or not we believe them).  The people in your life are mirrors to see yourself in.  I’m thankful to all the mirrors that reflect the image of God that we were created in so I can remember from where I came. A super special thanks goes out to my friends and family who helped redeem my birthday this year and give back a part of me that was lost.

-Thanks for reading – comments about faith and belief, false-beliefs, or on struggles celebrating yourself are much appreciated.  Bless Bless

- Justin

Letting Go

In September of 2009, I made a trip to London with the Agents of Future crew from The Bridge in Portland and walked away with God asking me to let go of what he’s given me. Robert and Vickie Schellert are two American missionaries in London who are living out a vision for a community that loves God and loves people. They call their community of people “The Bridge” (www.thebridgecollective.com) and are located right off of Brick Lane in London. Our crew was blessed to be hosted by these Jesus freaks. Robert and I had a chance to talk about human nature’s broken condition. Some people call it sin – for the sake of conversation and to gain a better understanding of it, we referred to sin as selfishness.
Continue Reading…

Optimism, Reality and a New Us

Here is a quote that I have been coming back to that I read in a obscure little book called ‘Death and Life-an American theology’ by Arthur C. McGill.
“No American child is taught. ‘You will constantly find yourself with needs that cannot be satisfied, with destructive circumstances that cannot be controlled. Therefore, learn courage and endurance to bear needs and in need learn how to receive and how to give. Learn not to be emotionally overthrown by unrelieved pain and unforeseen disaster.’”
I’m convinced that this sort reality thinking is needed in our context to combat our American optimism that preaches a gospel of having. That if we just have the right resources, knowledge, wealth, and opportunity than the worlds ailments will be soothed and cured. I just can’t buy that even though I find myself aligning with this thinking most of the time in my advocating for youth. What is truly liberating is to recognize our need and in our need to giveand receive in interdependent relationships- in seeking to love God and one another. A New Us forming in recognizing the reality of our condition and our need for life beyond ourselves. This is where I think McGill is headed in this book. Any thoughts?