Belief: A mental construct or conclusion on reality
Faith: The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen
My 28th birthday was on Sunday and it felt like I hit bottom on a two-week slide of self-loathing. Here’s the day everyone wants to sing songs to me, look me in the eye and give encouraging words, wish me blessings on the upcoming year, and I want to get away to avoid the healing pain of reality. It’s hard to hear a bunch of loving words that you don’t agree with. I’m thinking either these people have no idea who I am OR more likely, I have no idea who I am.
There are holes in my faith that have been drilled with diamond tipped false-beliefs and it became obvious when my brother Jesse spoke truth to me and I didn’t believe what he was saying but I had faith that he was speaking truth. I didn’t believe I could handle being celebrated on Sunday… (in faith) I showed up to our gathering called the Bridge, two after parties, and later went to work. The outcome was I made it though and I’m sitting in front of a drawing board of identity squinting to see the lines. Jesus tells us to seek first the kingdom of righteousness – he also says we will move mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed. How’s it going?
That’s a question I’ve dreaded answering lately is “How’s it going?” I’d rather not bring people down, so I have practiced padded answers that divert the focus of the conversation to something/someone else, benefiting nobody. There is a prophetess in our community that I unsuccessfully tried to avoid on Sunday because I knew that she could look deep into my soul, listen beyond my padded answer, and crush my heart with truth that I both crave and fear. Deborah grabs my arm and asks, “How’s it going?” I give her a padded “OK” (instantly felt like my cover was blown) – and the truth finally comes out, “I’m really uncomfortable with the confusion in my life right now.” …you have no idea how good it felt to say this out loud to another person! With a smile she says, “Good, this is good for you right now.” I take a breath and let the message sink in – one false belief I harbored was that my confusion is a bad thing.
If you’re lost, isn’t it better to know you’re lost rather than stumble blindly deeper into darkness? Isn’t it better to admit being confused and open to direction? The man who doesn’t believe he’s sick will refuse a visit to the doctor.
We need people in our lives to speak truth to us when we believe the lies. We need faith in order to receive their words (despite whether or not we believe them). The people in your life are mirrors to see yourself in. I’m thankful to all the mirrors that reflect the image of God that we were created in so I can remember from where I came. A super special thanks goes out to my friends and family who helped redeem my birthday this year and give back a part of me that was lost.
-Thanks for reading – comments about faith and belief, false-beliefs, or on struggles celebrating yourself are much appreciated. Bless Bless
- Justin
Tonight I simultaneously sipped some herbal tea and Martin Luther King Jr. writings. I came across an exquisite sermon he wrote in a Georgia jail entitled, “Shattered Dreams”. As I took in the flavor of MLK’s sermon about ‘absorbing the most intense pain without abandoning our sense of hope’ (Strength to Love, King, p.95) freshly painted pictures and video’s of Haiti’s crisis of the devastating 7.0 earthquake plauged my mind that I had just viewed on the Al-Jezeera news website.
The dreams and hopes to trade a better future for a weary past in Haiti were smashed in a matter of seconds. Death. Agony. Destruction.
MLK Jr’s dreams of non-violence, freedom, equality and ‘transforming the dangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood’ (I Have a Dream) linger on unrealized in the midst of violence, wars and greed that plauge our nation.
MLK asks the question in his sermon, “what do we do with unsatisfied hopes?”
He preaches to us to honestly confront our shattered dreams. This is the first step toward redemption. Applying this ointment of MLK’s preaching to our wounds today; What if we honestly confront our own smashed hopes of a better world and a better life? What if we honestly confront what has happened to our Haitian neighbors to the south? What if we daringly stared at these shattered dreams and mustered enough faith to believe that God dwells with us and with those in life’s most confining and oppressive circumstances?
I don’t know what would happen. I’d like to hear your thoughts.
I’m left thinking what else can we do but keep caravaning into the mystery of the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazereth as the gateway to find hope in utter brokenness.
sunset on 2009
Hello all, here are a few goals for incremental advancement in this human experience in 2010 that I’m thinking about….
My New Year Intentions:
-Be a damn good husband to Tiffany and love her in the cruciform style of the Messiah and learn to dance in the two becoming one mystery… (I’m getting married in March!!!)
-Seek God through; contemplative prayer practice, embedding into the scriptures, creative compassionate actions and experimenting new ways to celebrate and lament.
-Start back up with my interviewing habit.
-Write songs and rap my heart out, record raps, freestyle when the opportunity comes and make quality art and share it all over the land.
-Learn a bunch about gardening, vegetables, and herbs as I grow stuff at my house and at Roosevelt.
-Be creative and imaginative in my youth advocacy
-Being open to surprises….
These are a few of my new years intentions, what are some that are stirring in you?
In September of 2009, I made a trip to London with the Agents of Future crew from The Bridge in Portland and walked away with God asking me to let go of what he’s given me. Robert and Vickie Schellert are two American missionaries in London who are living out a vision for a community that loves God and loves people. They call their community of people “The Bridge” (www.thebridgecollective.com) and are located right off of Brick Lane in London. Our crew was blessed to be hosted by these Jesus freaks. Robert and I had a chance to talk about human nature’s broken condition. Some people call it sin – for the sake of conversation and to gain a better understanding of it, we referred to sin as selfishness.
Continue Reading…
I’m doing this writing exercise where I get two sets three synonyms form my vocabulary book and read a Thomas Merton passage and from there write a rap for the day. Here is one that I did earlier today…. please enjoy you freaks of nature.
Allegedly there is a light switch inside of our ribs. Not the up and down, fully on or fully off kind you normally find, Thank God its the circular type that when its turned to the right it gives increments of light life to figuratively illuminate the mystery of the hush hush, and touch the untouchable and love the unlovable. Inside our chest you could turn the nob to the left to vex our lenses dimmer and darker, farther and further, virtually its a murderous potential that exists in the essence of these exasperated inner caves, thirsty for forever sun rays and plauged from these dark days. Its annoying to leave it undefined and trust it’ll be fine. Trust that if we seek we’ll find where the light switch is located so our inner inmate can be emancipated from the cell block of Son block. And be free to almost touch the sunrises and taste the sunsets. And never have to turn that nob back to the left.
